The Self

EVERYTHING...

Thu, 20 Mar 2008 15:12:01 GMT

by Carolyn Currie -

Making my way across the lonliness
Thinking of belonging - i'm dreaming of your kiss
and I will walk among the people feeling like a child
holding my heart in, and staring with these eyes
I am remarkable, breathless at beginning
balanced on the starting line, hungry to be living

And I, I want everythng right now....
I want everything right now.

Sugar is so sweet upon my tongue it almost kills me
then these thoughts of love, so, warm and fills me
Such doubts - if i never reach the end and get the prize
Living with holes in my heart, and hollows for my eyes
They tell me that I think too much, they tell me not to worry
time is fluid, time is warped, the journeys sweet dont hurry

And I, I want everything right now...
I want everything right now.

I sit here silent while my heart beats like a bird
trapped inside my rib cage, like I'm trapped beneath my words
I wont bother, dont let it fall from my cold and untasted lips
While time rains down around me in unending drips

I am imortal I am rising with the morning
i am wonder, I have dreams and a new day dawning

I want everything right now...
I want every thing right now

The road is hard the road is cold
seen many people bought and sold
I'm standing here watching the world go round and round
my fingers itch to feel it all, grab it hard and risk the fall
to fly throught he air my feet up off the ground

And I, I want every thing right now
I want everything righrt now....

a shelter nightmare...

Sat, 15 Mar 2008 15:33:36 GMT

so my therapist wants me out of this horribly uncomfortable and rediculously angry relationship. so she sais that the company she works for has a temporary shelter that I could go to, or these apartments that i could stay in for a whopping $120 a month, and so I go to check it out. The shelter is some nightmare from the 70's with 4 stinky old men living there. the answer was of course "No thanx" so she shows me the apartment and the first thing i notice is a smell...like old tobacco smoke and cat pee. so I'm thinking "I can clean, shampoo the carpet, maybe they would let me paint, wouldn't be that bad....sort of" and they show me the bedrooms. They both have separate locks btw, which was nice..and i open the door and there was an old army bunk with a very small twin size mattress, complete with what looked like chew holes in it, and an old dresser. I didn't notice how small it was, because i was so uncomfortable and nervous. I realized after it was about 8ft by 8ft, No bigger than a jail cell. But, they say, I can move the furniture into the other room, and have my own. so I'm thinking aout it. Then I see the bathroom, which looked like someone had done their best to clean, but there were stains on the floor and in the corners and crevases....and i'm thinking," am I a complete idiot? Who could possibly live like this?" and I start to cry. I am not abused. I mean he doesn't hit me or anything, he's just an old shmuck. He has hit me before, but I was yelling at him and he just lost it.

So, do I take it? NO FUCKING WAY! I am completely spoiled. I live in a 1 year old townhouse with rediculously large rooms, open concept and about 2200 sq ft. The master is bigger than that whole shitty hole in the wall. It's new, clean and i am completely spoiled! So, how bad do I want to leave? I'm asking myself, really. I have an old dUI in 1997 that makes me a felon, and I'm having a hard time finding something decent that i can afford. So, the question of the day is - because I already have keys to the shelter - do I go? or wait for something better to come around?

Am I that stupid? I can do anything for another month, rather than that shit hole. But can I really withstand the pressure, and the verbal abuse? IDK.

help.

B

Remember the feeling of bones?

Tue, 04 Mar 2008 20:34:08 GMT

So, on 2-23 I said I would lose 5 lbs in 8 days. That was a long time ago, not really, but WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING! ?!? *This is me talking to myself...* "YOU STUPID, STUPID GIRL!!! QUIT FUCKING EATING!!! YOU ARE A DISGUSTING FOOD MONGER!!! WHAT WERE YOU THINKING? THAT YOU CAN ACTUALLY EAT ALL OF THAT, AND STILL LOSE WEIGHT?? YOU STUPID, STUPID GIRL!!! stop it, STOP IT, STOP IT!!! "

Ok, i feel sufficiently chastened now. off to exercise. some more.

b

The accident

Sun, 02 Mar 2008 18:26:05 GMT

Kim just went out to look at the jeep after crashing it last nite. I had nightmares all nite about skidding/sliding/turning all nite, but it's better than we thought. Last nite it looked pretty bad at the ER but it was in the dark and covered with sand and ice-melt salts. I on the other hand don't want to see it. It's our only car right now, and has been the bane of my existance. $1,000 tires...$150 in oil and fluid changes, $? in replacing the thermostat...twice, and it needs a new radiator because fixing the thermostat didn't fix the problem, 1 new tire to replace the one we damaged ($200) and that's all i can think of right now. Oh yea, I had to get a locksmith to let me in because i locked the keys in it in Salt lake and couldn't get home otherwise. That was $100 and he jammed/broke the sunroof and broke the seal in the drivers door.

The damn car is a nightmare. EVERYTHING has to be fixed at the dealers. My husband won't go anywhaere else...so we pay top dollar. The thing has leather, sunroof, cd changer, butt warmers and everything you can think of, a really nice car, ..and it's worth around 4,000 at trade in. I on the other hand am getting a Hundai sonata or elantra in about a month. We need the jeep because It's really REALLY snowy here, but i want this new car so bad my teeth ache! So, I play the waiting game. We get a whomping 12-14 mpg now and we pay a major portion to gas.

Hopefully by this time next month, I'll have my car. Free and clear ! :)

Have a good day! OK I'll try. That'snot good enough...screw you...and so on.

bm

med's

Fri, 29 Feb 2008 21:37:51 GMT

So, as of yesterday, I'm off of the duragesic Fentanyl patch. But, am on a high dose of Norco. So, tomorow, I go down 20mg on my Prozac. Then, I start Lamictal on monday at 12.5mg then 25, 50, 75, and 100 total . this is absolutely crazy!! *_* How in the world are they going to know which one is doing what? What if I have to go back into the hospital or something?!? THAT was NOT fun!!!!!

I am afraid of what i am capable of doing, not only to myself, when manic, hypomanic or depressed.

Well, I guess i just roll with it. Take it for what it's worth, sometimes med's make things worse before they get better. Remember, it's all in the attitude. And it's all in the journey.

Love, me myself and I
bm

Transitions

Fri, 29 Feb 2008 06:00:17 GMT

"Who am I? where do i fit in the scheme of things?" I know that I have a choice, not only to act or react to any given situation, but also a choice in the afore mentioned questions. "Who do I want to be?" might be more appropriate. I know that all we can do in this life is try to make a difference...somehow. But is there such a thing as 'trying'? or is there only 'doing' or 'failure'? I mean if i drop a pen on the floor and 'try' to pick it up, I probably never will. because i'm only trying to. On the other hand, I can make a choice to pick it up or not, therein being the 'doing' or the 'failure'. So, is 'trying' an actual choice? And if not, is 'trying' actually failure?

I've been talking to Karen and she had me do a collage about who I am...and that's changed since I did the assignment 2 weeks ago...*_* I am consumed with thoughts of food and exercise, with learning to use the computer effectively, with self improvement to the point that I'm alienating friends by giving too much advice...and all the while, I'm smiling...just smiling...

So, do I want to get a job? will that ease my conscience? or just continue with classes for a while? I know that I want to learn how to set up a web page for the business, as a matter of fact, there are a lot of things that i 'd like to do for him...so what's stopping me? 1 - lack of experience in home based business. 2 - Lack of computer training. 3 - Mood instability. Well, those are some things I can change. And I will by a - learn more about the market, b - possibly getting some formal training and c - possibly start Lamictal tomorrow when I see canning.

Well, that's 3 possibilities, and 3 steps to get on the way.

Nite - you myself and I :) Sweet dreams~!
bm

mood swings

Mon, 25 Feb 2008 03:41:37 GMT

I was just looking back at my entries while i've been here, and I am a complete head case! I'm suicidal, jubilent, excited, contempletive, and more in 2 weeks. I am definately bi-polar. Brittle bi-polar with rapid cycling. I'm not anorexic or bulimic (thank heavens) but I'm certainly pushing the envelope. I'm depressed, yet manic. I have incredible social fobias and agoraphobia, AND at the same time, I will talk to anyone. WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME? no, I don't need an answer to that. I'm a head case, but at least I am a happy head case today.

Remember - Be grateful for the ones who have believed in me, no matter what i believed in. there-in lies love.

bm

Music

Sun, 24 Feb 2008 17:47:51 GMT

Time, by sarah Mclochlan

Shadows - all but mean nothing
the shadows they move 'gainst the wall
they keep me company but they dont ask of me
they don't say nothing at all

And I need just a little more silence
and I need just a little more time...

I AM LONELY TODAY ! and no one's there. (OF course, that's probably why I'm lonely !)

Happy birthday to me!

Fri, 22 Feb 2008 21:53:31 GMT

I AM SO FLIPPING OLD TODAY! 39!!!!! HOW CAN THAT POSSIBLY BE? I know, i know, it happens to the best of us. But it still feels pretty bad. At least I don't look or dress old.....so....

I guess i ought to be grateful for small favors, huh?

Happy birthday to me,
happy birthday to me.
happy birthday dear head case,
happy birhtday to me,

bm

Dying to be thin

Fri, 22 Feb 2008 18:43:00 GMT

I recently decided that i don't want to die. I just don't want to live like this anymore. I am supremely unhealthy (despite what my personal trainer says) and it's my choice. I think we all have the choice to see, think, feel, and do what we choose. I believe that to be a God given right. So...my choice is to get in shape, learn meditation and visual imaging, and to be THIN! Really scrawny? no. But definitely double digits :)

it's my birthday and that's when I make my new years resolutions. I WILL DO THIS! I am down 4.5lbs in 5 days doing the 28 day challenge, and I WILL SUCCEED at reaching my goals !

my birthday

Fri, 22 Feb 2008 16:54:06 GMT

my birthday is today and i feel fso frickin old ! 39 and still fighting this shit. I always weighed 105 - 110 all my life and then I turned 30. My metabolism went to hell in a handbasket ! 105lbs sounds really smal, but I'm only 5'3 so it was ok. I also went down to double digits just like that. ! No more. It's hard as hell to loose weight, but as of today, day 5 of the 28 day plan, I've lost 4.5lbs. so that's not too bad. 5.5lbs and i'll be at my first goal. :)

So Happy Birthday to Me ! Heres to another year!

Mon, 18 Feb 2008 20:11:40 GMT

I have recently discovered folk music. Like a week ago. :) Anyway, while downloading music to my PC I found Idina Menzel. Needless to say i had to go out and get the CD. Theres this one song, "Istand" And the chorus says
" I stand for the power to change, I live for the perfect day.
I love till it hurts like crazy, I hope for a hero to save me.
I stand for the strange and lonely, I believe there's a better place.
I don't know if the sky is heaven, but I pray anyway..."

Anyway, that's just how i feel. She has an incredible voice and the lyrics...!

Anyone else into her? Or music like it?

freinds in weird places...

Mon, 18 Feb 2008 06:06:04 GMT

I am astounded at the sheer number of people that traffic the internet. I am further amazed at what I have in common with some of them. I made 2 friends today, and that in itself is a bloody miracle. I thought I was going to die - night before last. I took a bunch of pills and wrote that stupid blog to God (as if He lives on the internet) and woke up the next morning fine. You know what fine means don't you? Freaked out, Insecure, Neurotic and Emotional. FINE. Anyway, I'm glad to have found this place, where i can be me.

Determination

Mon, 18 Feb 2008 04:35:06 GMT

As God Himself is my witness, I WILL WIN THIS FIGHT! I WILL BE THIN! I WILL WIN!

Sun, 17 Feb 2008 07:26:10 GMT

i hate myself. i ate no more than 410 today, but i can't seem to feel good about it. I'm alot older that most of you and i'm beginning to feel like i'm alone period. is there anybody out there older than 30?

Sat, 16 Feb 2008 23:15:42 GMT

Dear God, please hear my cry. Please bless me with peace of mind, that I may not take my life this day.
Please dispell the awful gloom which persistantly clouds my vision...my soul...
Take from me thois cup, I pray, I scream,
that I might not drink of my own black cure, the poison that was created in my own mind, at the hand of the Son of Darkness
Please dear God I pray...
Please give me courage to hold tight, as thou hast given me blessings beyond my comprehension.
Please bless me with patience.

And God, one more thing if you could, please help the one I love so much when I'm gone.