so my therapist wants me out of this horribly uncomfortable and rediculously angry relationship.  so she sais that the company she works for has a temporary shelter that I could go to, or these apartments that i could stay in for a whopping $120 a month, and so I go to check it out.  The shelter is some nightmare from the 70's with 4 stinky old men living there.  the answer was of course "No thanx"  so she shows me the apartment and the first thing i notice is a smell...like old tobacco smoke and cat pee.  so I'm thinking "I can clean, shampoo the carpet, maybe they would let me paint, wouldn't be that bad....sort of"  and they show me the bedrooms.  They both have separate locks btw, which was nice..and i open the door and there was an old army bunk with a very small twin size mattress, complete with what looked like chew holes in it, and an old dresser.  I didn't notice how small it was, because i was so uncomfortable and nervous.  I realized after it was about 8ft by 8ft,  No bigger than a jail cell.  But, they say, I can move the furniture into the other room, and have my own.  so I'm thinking aout it.  Then I see the bathroom, which looked like someone had done their best to clean, but there were stains on the floor and in the corners and crevases....and i'm thinking," am I a complete idiot?  Who could possibly live like this?"  and I start to cry.  I am not abused.  I mean he doesn't hit me or anything, he's just an old shmuck.  He has hit me before, but I was yelling at him and he just lost it.  

So, do I take it?  NO FUCKING WAY!  I am completely spoiled.  I live in a 1 year old townhouse with rediculously large rooms, open concept and about 2200 sq ft. The master is bigger than that whole shitty hole in the wall.  It's new, clean and i am completely spoiled!  So, how bad do I want to leave?   I'm asking myself, really.  I have an old dUI in 1997 that makes me a felon, and I'm having a hard time finding something decent that i can afford.   So, the question of the day is - because I already have keys to the shelter - do I go?  or wait for something better to come around? 

Am I that stupid?  I can do anything for another month, rather than that shit hole.  But can I really withstand the pressure, and the verbal abuse?  IDK.

help.

B

"Who am I?  where do i fit in the scheme of things?"  I know that I have a choice, not only to act or react to any given situation, but also a choice in the afore mentioned questions.  "Who do I want to be?"  might be more appropriate.  I know that all we can do in this life is try to make a difference...somehow.  But is there such a thing as 'trying'? or is there only 'doing' or 'failure'?  I mean if i drop a pen on the floor and 'try' to pick it up, I probably never will.  because i'm only trying to.  On the other hand, I can make a choice to pick it up or not, therein being the 'doing' or the 'failure'.  So, is 'trying' an actual choice?  And if not, is 'trying' actually failure?   

I've been talking to Karen and she had me do a collage about who I am...and that's changed since I did the assignment 2 weeks ago...*_*  I am consumed with thoughts of food and exercise, with learning to use the computer effectively, with self improvement to the point that I'm alienating friends by giving too much advice...and all the while, I'm smiling...just smiling...

So, do I want to get a job?  will that ease my conscience?  or just continue with classes for a while?  I know that I want to learn how to set up a web page for the business, as a matter of fact, there are a lot of things that i 'd like to do for him...so what's stopping me?  1 - lack of experience in home based business.  2 - Lack of computer training.  3 - Mood instability.  Well, those are some things I can change.  And I will by a - learn more about the market, b - possibly getting some formal training and c - possibly start Lamictal tomorrow when I see canning.

Well, that's 3 possibilities, and 3 steps to get on the way.

Nite - you myself and I :)  Sweet dreams~!
bm

Time, by sarah Mclochlan

Shadows  - all but mean nothing
the shadows they move 'gainst the wall
they keep me company but they dont ask of me
they don't say nothing at all

And I need just a little more silence
and I need just a little more time...

I AM LONELY TODAY ! and no one's there.  (OF course, that's probably why I'm lonely !)

I AM SO FLIPPING OLD TODAY!  39!!!!!  HOW CAN THAT POSSIBLY BE?   I know, i know, it happens to the best of us.  But it still feels pretty bad.  At least I don't look or dress old.....so....

I guess i ought to be grateful for small favors, huh?

Happy birthday to me,
happy birthday to me.
happy birthday dear head case,
happy birhtday to me,

bm

I am astounded at the sheer number of people that traffic the internet.  I am further amazed at what I have in common with some of them.  I made 2 friends today, and that in itself is a bloody miracle.  I thought I was going to die - night before last.  I took a bunch of pills and wrote that stupid blog to God (as if He lives on the internet) and woke up the next morning fine.  You know what fine means don't you? Freaked out, Insecure, Neurotic and Emotional.  FINE.  Anyway, I'm glad to have found this place, where i can be me.

As God Himself is my witness, I WILL WIN THIS FIGHT!  I WILL BE THIN!  I WILL WIN!

i hate myself.   i ate no more than 410 today, but i can't seem to feel good about it.  I'm alot older that most of you and i'm beginning to feel like i'm alone period.  is there anybody out there older than 30?